Dr. Dean: The Interview

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Dr. Dean: The Interview

Reprinted here is an interview with Dr. Dean, Poet Laureate. He was interviewed by the ghost of Mother Teresa.

 

Mother Teresa: Namaste, Mr. Dean
Dr. Dean: First, it’s Dr. Dean, and I’m curious about that word. Na –mahs, te. Is that like lazily saying Nah, must have tea?
Mother Teresa: It means blessings upon you, to me.
Dr. Dean: How about just forking over $1000.00? That would be a blessing.
Mother Teresa: Oh no (giggling), that is the material world. I do not deal in that.
Dr. Dean: That would explain why you’re a fucking ghost.
Mother Teresa: We do not make that distinction between the spiritual and material worlds, though we can recognize the distinction.
Dr. Dean: You don’t think it’s necessary after all this time? I mean, look what happened to Gandhi, ML King, John Lennon. And then of course you, although you did not gain any significant spiritual awards say like Lenin, by not decomposing. You must have been a real blight on the sense of smell for those few days.

Mother Teresa: Oh yes, by golly. My followers had a difficult time. It was a test to strengthen their spirit, and detach them from the world of needs requiring pleasant things.
Dr. Dean: Well no doubt you were a banquet of reassurance in that department.
Mother Teresa: Well, yes, humble as I am. I was. But we are not here to praise me, we are here to acknowledge that your poetry is gaining great significance in the spiritual world.
Dr. Dean: Shit, I knew that – ever since I started writing. Problem is you fucking ghosts don’t carry any cash.
Mother Teresa: It is true.. We are raised above our origins in dust, and have joined totally with the Spirit.
Dr. Dean: That doesn’t help me. You, in your Pledge rags, championing a higher world, won’t buy me books, or peace of mind.
Mother Teresa: Perhaps you need to express a greater sense of gratitude so Grace may be visited upon you.
Dr. Dean: If she shows up at the door, the wife is going to pitch a fit.
Mother Teresa: Oh no, no. The blessings of Grace, from the Spirit.
Dr. Dean: I experienced that! Hallelujah.
Mother Teresa: No! I mean the spirit.

Dr. Dean: I mean the spirit, too, you bundle of Goodwill discards.
Mother Teresa: Now, no need to become rude, I am here to help. To acknowledge your greatness.
Dr. Dean: I have people acknowledge my greatness every day. They say I inspire them, they love my work, all that good bullshit. But it’s rare they buy the books, the cheap bastards.
Mother Teresa: But you are reaching them where it counts. Spiritually. You are blessing them where it counts.
Dr. Dean:(raises his leg) I’ll bless’m alright if they don’t buy some books.
Mother Teresa: What do books matter if you cannot reconcile your great poetry with spirit in this world?
Dr. Dean: Hey Tessy, are you retarded? Books bought equal notice equal more attention which equals myself earning some focking moolah to keep body and spirit together.
Mother Teresa: I did fine while alive. I kept spirits high. I served the people.

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Dr. Dean: Good for you, granny. You mentored holy cows, and when a complaint was lodged about the stink and the filth and the flies in keeping said cows in apartment blocks, you responded with great humor, “Well, the cow will just have to get used to it.”
Cow flops became Frisbees, fire starters, and birthday cakes. No one asked, what is this shit.
Now that’s evolvement. Get comfortable with crap to prove your higher being.
Mother Teresa: You are so nasty.
Dr. Dean: Stop with the compliments, you handbag.
Mother Teresa: Is nothing sacred to you? You are getting on my nerves, as they say.
Dr. Dean: Why don’t you chow down on some cow burger – 100% Pure Beef Poo – and join me in the world of poverty.
Mother Teresa: By golly gosh. You are disturbing my holy self.
Dr. Dean: Well, wait a minute. Now I get complaints from ghosts? Hey, listen, I had some burger before you arrived. I can share.
Mother Teresa: Oh alright, it would not be a sin since I am holy.
Dr. Dean: Hey me too, ya old tart. Come closer and I will share.

Mother Teresa’s billowy ghost leans over towards Dr. Dean. At which point, he raises his leg, lets go a ripper, and exclaims:
I bless you! Eat that, it’s spiritual, not religious!
Mother Teresa: By gosh, by golly! The Devil has come to get me, I am dying!

Dr. Dean: You say you’re done with the main course? Want an appetizer?
The same earlier scene is repeated, resulting in the swift disappearance of the ghost of Mother Teresa.
Dr. Dean is heard exclaiming: Buy my books, or when I’m all spirit, I’m going to be all spirit all over you and your legion of Robed Rejects.

A cloud of dust erupts and the voice of Mother Teresa in a weak tremor can be heard fading into the distance: ‘I am spiritual. I am so spiritual. I will be spiritual. By golly gosh, that bastard farted on my Holiness! Oh world, is nothing sacred.’

©Dean Baker

excerpt from Tormenting The Monkeyhttps://www.amazon.com/Tormenting-Monkey-Dean-J-Baker/dp/1514871963

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Gender Neutral Special: for those who don’t identify as distinctly male, or female (that is, those who don’t buy my books), you will be known as gender neutral and addressed as She-It © Dean Baker

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7 thoughts on “Dr. Dean: The Interview

  1. Flipping hilarious!!! I guess I’ve earned a few free reads and comments as I’ve bought a book,😜 although I haven’t started it yet… too busy messing around on line… I am working on my first collection, and am thinking about the publication process already. It seems to me that the obvious problem about trying to sell books to people by sharing material “online” is that those people (like me) now spend their time reading online rather than on paper…😅 which is why I’m trying to get published in those bloody literary magazines (to people who read on paper) but the gates are firmly closed so far…😂 But I don’t care cause I’m enlightened; “Poop Didi” YO! The “original Doggerel” of poetry!😅
    Mother Theresa’s got nothing on me.😝

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Keep trying, always – as for people reading online rather than even buying some book costing less than $2, every time one of them clicks a ‘Like’ I see it as them signing Cheapskate, Freeloader, or Non-Entity consigning themselves, not me, to the pile of Irrelevancies of which their lives consist due to a refusal to actually value anything… but that’s just me – check out Magazine Minds today….

      Liked by 1 person

      1. good to hear – I’ve forgotten some poems I ought to gather up into a book, plus others I need to type up from the laden notebooks, then there’s new ones, plus new scraps, and then there’s songs to write and do again, and then there’s the dogs yarking and needing attention while watching for strays, – dogs, too – and ak47’s blowing off steam in this countryside… wait there’s another bunch of observations for poems that require a universal archetype, and then there’s lazing…..

        Liked by 1 person

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